"Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts."

Clare Booth Luce

fraud four

Dear receptionist/coworker,

Today when you asked me why I needed a blank cd I responded:

Oh, one of my clients needs me to post them some high-res photos.

I lied.

I am currently burning that CD with sweet tunes for my mate up North, some ideas for her wedding album. Gotcha.

bluff three

Dear friend turned enemy turned untrustworthy friend,

The other day when you sent me a Facebook invite to your dogs birthday party, I politely clicked the ’Attending’ bubble. Yesterday when I saw you and you asked if my attendance was confirmed, I responded:

Of course!

I definitely lied.

What your dog lacks in personality is not made up for by your tendency to dress him up, take photos and publicize them over the interwebs, therefore, I will not be celebrating his mundanity by making the trip out to your rural-residential suburb and eating cake. My allegiance to you and your family is not that strong. I will however have a drink on his behalf at the Miami Horror concert after coming up with another lie to cover my back.

sham two

Dear best friend/roommate,

Today when you mentioned that you had drunk some of my breakfast juice, I responded:

That’s cool.

Well, I lied.

It is not cool. In fact, it makes me rage. Please purchase your own F-ing fruit beverage and pour me a replacement glass.

"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar."

Mark Twain

deception one

Dear girlfriend of new boyfriend’s best friend,

Today when you asked whether or not I knew your popular younger brother who I went to college with, I responded:

Hmmmmm. I think he was in my grade but, no, I never knew him.

I lied.

I did know him. In fact, I told a few friends that I found him attractive. I then found out those beans were spilled. Backpaddling attempts included telling a few loud-mouths that not only was I genetically inclined to like men of greater ethnic diversity than your brother but also that he reminded me of a rare mountain gorilla I once saw in an old National Geographic magazine. Please never ask your brother if he knew me.